


Take me by The Hand

by cillasstuff



Series: do you love me [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, doyoulove, genre:agnst, genre:au, genre:bullying, genre:rpf, pairing:Jared/Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:21:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cillasstuff/pseuds/cillasstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared been together for six months and decide to move in together. While he is unpacking, Jared finds something from his past that makes him question himself and their relationship. All Jared’s POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take me by The Hand

Title: Take me by The Hand  
Author: [](http://cillab42.livejournal.com/profile)[**cillab42**](http://cillab42.livejournal.com/)  
Genre: RPS/ AU  
Pairing: Jared/Jensen  
Rating: NC-17  
Word Count: 4,594  
Warnings/Spoilers: mentions of bullying

A/N: This is a Timestamp for Do You Love Me (Do You Want To Be My Friend). I would like to thank the lovely i[](http://icelily01.livejournal.com/profile)[ **icelily01**](http://icelily01.livejournal.com/)for being my beta. Thank you for all the work and coaching, because my story is better for it.

Summary: Jensen and Jared been together for six months and decide to move in together. While he is unpacking, Jared finds something from his past that makes him question himself and their relationship. All Jared’s POV.

Disclaimer: This story is fictional, I don't own anything. It is not real and not for profit. Title is from a George Strait song.

Take Me by the Hand

Jared was positive he was going to make Jensen  
  
pay for having to go to the studio and leaving him to deal with the movers and unpacking. After six months together, the couple made the decision to move in together and Jensen was supposed to have been home over two hours ago to help unpack, but he, along with the rest of their group The Nobodys, Chris and Steve, were still in the studio recording. Jared resisted the overwhelming temptation to call the man in question and advise him that it was safe to come home now because he had everything put away.

That was, everything with the exception of one box, and judging from the handwriting on the outside, they were his things. The thought of leaving the box until tomorrow was very appealing, but if he did that then that would deny himself the right to complain or gloat about the fact that he had unpacked the entire house himself, and besides he wanted to have the house in order to celebrate Jensen’s birthday in two days’ time. Happy Birthday, Jensen. Sighing, Jared forced himself to open the box and his knees almost gave way at what he found.

There were only a few things packed in the cardboard box, a couple of picture frames, a pair of shoes and the oak box. Lifting the seemingly benign wooden box from where it was nestled inside the larger box, Jared attempted to stop the uncontrollable tremor in his hands as he walked towards the bed.

Once there, he sat, staring at the box as though it was suddenly going to spring to life and bite him. Jared was suddenly frozen, too terrified to touch it. Packing this box should have had this effect on him but he thought that Jensen must have packed it because he would have remembered doing so. With still shaking hands, Jared opened the lid to the innocent looking box and was instantly swamped with the memory of things he had rather forget.

To a third party coming across the box, a quick glance would show the contents to be a few harmless mementos, but for Jared these are the things tore him and Jensen (and Chad) apart. With each item Jared stole from Jensen and placed into the box, a piece of their friendship became lost to them as they grew from boys to men. Not only does the box hold their friendship, it held the things that broke Jensen and if he is honest with himself, things that broke him as well.

Because the box had been hidden in the back of his closet for the last ten years, it was a case of out of sight out of mind, but now with it staring him in the face, Jared knew it was time to face his past. Jared decided that just because he made a decision to be a big boy now does not mean he had to do this completely sober, so he jumped off the bed he ran to the new bar set up in the corner of the den and slammed back a shot of tequila. Fuck it, after the second shot he knew he was going to need the whole bottle to get through this.

Slowly, Jared made his way back to the bedroom and now with the aid of the liquid courage running through his veins, and more at the ready, Jared was now ready to go through the items in the box. The box itself was simple in design; it was unadorned with fancy carvings, nor was it made by a famous furniture designer. It was a plain, sturdy twelve by twelve oak box that his mom picked up for a couple of dollars at the local Goodwill.

The first objects to find a home in the box were Jared’s matchbox cars, and as Jared got older, his Star Wars figurines (not dolls) and trading cards, and eventually Jensen’s things, or rather, the things he stole from Jensen. Wiping tears from his eyes, Jared opened the box and began the task.

There was no order to the box, so closing his eyes, Jared grabbed the first thing he touched, however, he found it ironic that it was a picture of the three of them, Jensen, Chad and himself. The three of them were probably no older than five or six years old judging from their toothless grins. There were really good memories from that day.

“Jare, Chad, look what I got!” Jensen yelled running towards his best friends, holding out his hand, showing them the money he found under his pillow earlier that morning. Jared and Chad grinned gap tooth smiles as they showed the dollars the tooth fairy had left them as well.

Holding out his crumpled money Jensen bragged, “Mine is bigger.”

“No it isn’t,” Jared denied, grabbing it from Jensen’s hand; misunderstanding what the other boy meant, he measured them alongside each other. “See they are the same!”

“Yeah,” Chad agreed.

“No,” he disagreed shaking his head and grabbed the notes to show Jared the difference. “See mine has a five and yours has a one. ‘Sides, Josh said so!”

Hazel and blue eyes stretched as they thought about what Jensen said. Josh was eleven therefore older, smarter, and more knowledgeable about these things.

Both boys looked closer at the money and noticed the differences between theirs and Jensen’s. Chad scratched his head, thought for a moment, and began counting on his fingers and cried. “But that’s like three more!”

“No, four,” Jared corrected after counting on his fingers.

With that realization, Chad ran off to his mother, crying about how unfair it was that the Tooth Fairy loved Jensen more. Jared was about to join Chad in his complaint, when with a shake of her head, Sherri Padalecki explained that the Tooth Fairy did not love Jensen more, but because it was Jensen’s birthday therefore the tooth fairy left him something extra.  
Sensing the distress among his friends, Jensen whined, “But I’m gonna share with you guys.”

Jared smiled at the memory. They had spent the rest of that afternoon trying to decide how to spend Jensen’s birthday bounty. The three of them had been thick as thieves until they turned eleven and hit middle school. He knew what happened, he just could figure out how the three of them allowed it.

Before reaching back into the box Jared took another long swig from the bottle of tequila. As he felt the burn travel down his throat and settle in his stomach, he closed his eyes and reached in. Great, a book, not just a book, The Book. It was too small to be Jensen’s journal so he knew what it was. Giovanni’s Room. Fuck! He both hated and loved this book. When he took this, he knew he made two conscious choices. One was that he was going to hide the fact that he was gay and the other was to torture Jensen for learning who he was and later, embracing it.

When they were in high school, Jared watched every move Jensen made. Chad thought it was because he was trying to find ways to torture the fat kid but he knew better. In one way or another, he had loved Jensen his entire life. When he noticed Jensen had been reading a book for a week, Jared became curious about it. The curiosity came from the fact that he never went anywhere without it and he was always writing in it. Once he found out the title, it was his intention to buy it, but when he got to the bookstore and read the synopsis, he knew that he could not leave the store with it. The cashier would look at him and know. Know what he was. Know what he wanted to do with boys.

Reading that book made Jared realize several things, one was that even though he didn’t know that many personally, there were more people in the world like David, like him, putting on a front by being engaged to a beautiful girl, by being the horn dog star football player. Jared also knows that had he not been forced to, Jensen would have been more like David, keeping his sexuality a secret as well.

The things they did to a thirteen year old Jensen still made him cringe inside, but he was proud though. Proud that Jensen came out battle tough. If a person looked close enough, you could see the scars, but Chris and Steve had been excellent battlefield nurses, patching up the worse of the wounds. Every now and again like a healed broken bone on a rainy day, it would throb and fester and make his insecurities known.

Jared both loved and hated this book. If he had his way this particular copy would be burned, but this was Jensen’s call so he placed it on the growing pile and with shaking hand, he reached into the dreaded box.

The next item he pulled from the box he dropped as though it burned him. It was the god-dammed journal. He dropped the leather bound book and grabbed the bottle of tequila instead. Putting the bottle to his lips, he let his courage burn down his throat before he reached in again and pulled out the journal.

As soon as Chris and Steve left Jensen alone under the tree in the quad, Jared could feel the change come over his group. Like him, Tom, Mike, Chad and Jake were football players, tall and bulked up from hours in the gym and on the practice field. He knew there was going to be trouble the moment the other two boys left, and he also knew he could stop what was going to happen, but not if it was going to be at his expense. Jared knew that they knew he and Jensen used to be friends and they would question if the “gay” had rubbed off on him, so he went along and lost his soul just so he could be normal.

Tom with his freakishly long arms grabbed the journal from Jensen’s hands and held it over his head as Jensen jumped up and tried to reclaim the book. They were all the same age, but with Tom being several inches taller than the rest of the group, it was easy to play keep away from the smallest person there.

When the group got to the middle of the quad, as Tom passed the book to Mike, he came up with the bright idea to start reading aloud from the journal. Suddenly the noisy quad filled with high schoolers in the middle of lunch went quiet as Mike read about some dark haired boy that Jensen watched in the shower, and when Jensen tried in vain to grab the book, he passed it to Chad who started reading about the cute boy with dimples. Recognizing himself as the boy Chad was reading about, Jared jumped in to grab to book and said something to make Jensen’s high school years hell.

“Aw Fat Assckles got a crush?” As the words left his mouth he heard the laughter from the other students, but his focus was on the hurt he saw on Jensen’s face as he just… broke. To this day Jared did not believe that the other boy realized that he was crying.  
Someone shouted, “Teacher!” and Jared ran to the dumpster and dropped the journal in so that he and his gang would not get into trouble for taking it from Jensen. While Mr. Evans questioned the still crying Jensen, he lied and said there was no problem thinking that this would be the end of the terror. Jensen made his way back into the school building to someone’s shouts of, “See you later Fat Assckles.” As Jensen entered the school, Jared fought an inner war not to run after the broken boy and comfort him. If he did that, he might as well have outed himself.

Jensen went home early that day, or at least that was what the rumor in the hallways was. As the day progressed, all he heard was Fat Assckles and it made him duck his head in shame each time. After football practice that evening, Jared dodged Chad for a few minutes to make his way back to the edge of the quad and retrieve Jensen’s journal from the trash. Lucky for him it was stuck on a metal shelf and only had a few stains on it so it did not stink up his car, but more importantly, it was readable.

Looking at it now, the journal showed the wear from years of use by Jared. He practically memorized Jensen’s entries detailing how much in love he was with a certain boy with dimples and added some of his own. That first night when he read how the chubby boy felt about him, sleep did not come because he spent the night crying, trying to work out how he could create a Utopia in which he could have Jensen as his with no consequences.

The next day in school when Jensen ducked his head and rushed past him without the slightest acknowledgement, he joined the fray and called him Fat Assckles louder than the rest because he knew his hurt the most. It was one thing to talk to the fat kid, but to talk to the gay kid was social suicide.

Jared lay there for a moment staring blankly at the ceiling trying to breathe. He turned his head slightly, looked at the photo of him and his lover, and wondered how the other man could be with him even after he made his life hell and how he found it in his heart to forgive him, to love him. He just lay there and let the tears of shame fall.

Trying to get through this hell, Jared blindly reached into the box and came out with a pen. He stared at it and began to cry even harder. The gold pen with the initials J.A.A engraved on the side belonged to Jensen’s grandfather. He and Chad took it from him after turning his backpack inside out. Two days after taking it, Grandpa Ackles died. Because their families were friends, Jared had to attend the funeral and when Jensen came up to him and begged him for the pen, he pretended that he did not have it. He felt so bad about the deception that he threw up all night, sick with remorse.

The next item from the box was a script from the school play, a musical. It killed him that he had known Jensen his entire life and did not know he could sing. Chris Kane and his sidekick Steve Carlson knew, but neither Jared nor Chad knew. There was no reason at this point in their lives that Jensen would share things with him or Chad but for some reason it hurt, even today he is still a little jealous of their relationship. They felt as though Jensen had abandoned them for fucking Chris Kane and Steve Carlson and they did not understand why. The more they felt Jensen hurt them, the more they went out of their way to hurt him and in their sixteen-year-old minds, it made sense.

“Go for it man,” Chris encouraged as they stood in the lunch line waiting to pay. “You have the voice for it, and even the looks.”  
“Yeah, everyone wants a fat leading man,” Jensen responded. “I’m scared to even audition, let alone perform in front of the school.”  
“Man, you sing in front a tougher audience every weekend and you’re afraid of a bunch of high schoolers? I don’t get it”  
Jared sat at the next table listening to Chris’ attempt to convince Jensen to audition for the school musical. Jensen could sing? He had known the boy his entire life and yet he didn’t know this about him. Apparently Chris did. Steve did. He knew that Chad didn’t know because he would have said something to him.

“I’ll think about it,” Jensen promised Chris as he walked away.

For a moment, Jared actually let himself worry about what would happen if Jensen in fact did audition for the play. Tom Welling considered himself a shoo in for the lead, so it wouldn’t be good if Jensen out shone him, and he would because Tom couldn’t sing. There was no doubt that like a lamb to slaughter, he would follow the lead of his friends. And Chad? Chad would do whatever Jared did.

Jared looked up to see Chris stalking towards him with a look of steely-eyed determination etched on his fac., “You bastards better leave him the fuck alone and let him audition or there will be hell to pay, Padalecki!”

Before Jared could respond, Chad and Tom showed up and it ended there because Chris knew whose side the teachers and even the lunch ladies would take. He grabbed his things and left, but somehow missed the copy of the play and Jared commandeered it once he was gone. When Jensen came back a few minutes later looking for it, he saw the other boys at the nearby table and quietly walked away.

God he was an ass. Jared could understand why Jensen was so strong, all those years of taking all the shit him and his friends put him through. Years of being bullies’ favorite targets will do that to you. Either it made you strong or it broke you. Jared suspected that having strong friends helped in Jensen’s case. In his drunken state, he decided needed to send Chris and Steve a gift for protecting Jensen from him.

As he threw the play onto the growing pile of his past fuckups, something fell from between the pages of the play. It was an envelope. A red envelope. He knew immediately what it was and it took his breath away.

It was a Valentine card to Jensen from Matt Cohen. Jared dated while he was in high school; it went along with the persona of a jock and a stud, but the thought of another boy showing interest in Jensen made him see red. He knew that it was selfish, but no girl would ever have the part of him that he wanted to give Jensen, so if he could not have Jensen, then neither could Matt.

The memory of Matt Cohen giving Jensen the card, like everything else is embarrassing. Matt was openly gay while in school, but for some reason no one bothered him, and had even been included in many of their activities. He was cute and sexy and was in no way the stereotype dumb high school jocks evoke when it came to gay men. He was tall, rode a Harley and wore the prerequisite leather jacket along with it. He was lean and hard where Jensen had been soft and pretty. Had Jared not been so gone for Jensen, he could see himself sneaking around with Matt. Had he not been trying to seduce his Jensen, Jared might have even considered him a friend.

Even though he was out and proud, Matt still could not be seen giving a valentine card to the school’s favorite punching bag. Jared saw him cleverly place it into Jensen’s backpack and he just as cleverly took it after he saw Jensen smile while reading it. He never opened it, not wanting to read what made Jensen smile like that.

Jared drunkenly realized that he had drank over half a bottle of tequila and the box was nowhere near empty and there was no way his sanity or his liver was up to completing the task tonight. It was his intention to put the box away before Jensen finally made it home, but the call of the bed was stronger than his resolve to hide the items from Jensen and he fell asleep.

The house was eerily quiet when Jensen entered. He had expected Jared to be there to greet him, complaining about having to unpack everything by himself and demanding recompense. Jensen smiled at the thought of compensating Jared for not helping with unpacking. Yeah, he could do that.

When he reached the bedroom, he was surprised, no shocked by what he found; Jared passed out drunk on their bed surrounded their past.

Jensen looked at the items that Jared had spread around him. Judging from the half-empty bottle of tequila, these objects bought up some painful memories for his lover. Most of them no longer held any power over Jensen, but his grandfather’s pen and his journal; those two items caused his heart to literally skip a beat.

Would this shit haunt them forever? In that moment Jensen made a decision; they could not stay in the house. The journal, the pen, and a couple of other items he would keep because of the good memories they held, but the rest. It had to go. Jensen felt if they held on to these possessions and the bad memories associated with them, it would always be there and eventually cause a rift between the two of them. They had fought tooth and nail to get where they were today, that was part of the reason for the new house, a new beginning and Jensen would be damned if he let things ruin what they had.

Removing the bottle from Jared’s hands, Jensen took a swig and with shaking hands began to sort through the stuff on the bed. Taking in Jared’s condition, Jensen was not so sure that either of them would survive having to go through this twice.

Jared woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs… and coffee, god, there was coffee. He did not remember falling asleep, or rather passing out. Jared suddenly became aware of how he was dressed or in this case, undressed. That meant Jensen had come in and undressed him and cleared away the box and its contents. Jared started to panic because it had been his intention to have had this shit put away but he drank until he passed out. It looks like he failed Jensen again.

Jared felt that lying there feeling sorry for himself was not going to get him anything but depressed and decided it was time to get up, however, before he could move, Jensen entered the room with a tray bearing breakfast.

“Hey,” Jensen greeted softly as he made his way into the room.

Jared eyed him warily as he sat the tray on the bedside table. “Hey,” he greeted in return.

“Jen, I…..” he started trying to find the words to make Jensen understand, to make sure that Jensen was not going to leave him.  
“Jared, it’s okay, everything is fine. I promise,” Jensen informed him as he handed Jared two aspirin and a glass of orange juice.  
“Jen” Jared tried again. “I meant to have that shit put away before you came home, but I got caught up in memories and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t…” he ended on a whisper.

Crawling on the bed, Jensen knelt beside Jared “I read the diary, Jared. I think for the first time I understand that you … Well, you hurt as well. It doesn’t negate what you did, but I can understand the pain you were in.”

Still whispering, Jared asked, “Are you going to leave me?”

Reaching out Jensen ran his hand through Jared’s hair. “We have gone through this baby, we settled this, and I forgive you.” Sitting up, Jensen looked at the misery that was Jared. “Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, and that’s the problem.”

Jensen was right; Jared needed to work on healing himself. Jensen had, with the aid of his friends Chris and Steve, worked hard to get where he is, not perfect, but not nearly as much damage to his psyche. Jared never thought about himself as damaged before, that was other people. He had left high school without being bullied, or having been called the vile names, he and his friends called Jensen on a regular basis.

So how does one go about taking the first step, to lift the burden?

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞  
Jared sat and watched as Jensen strummed the vintage Stratocaster Jared had given the other man as a birthday present. He wasn’t sure who was more excited Jensen, Steve or Chris, but Chris and Steve may or may not have offered sexual favors in return for said gift. Jared knew the men were joking, but he felt pride when Jensen actually growled and threatened both men.  
Later in the evening when only the closest of their friends remained, Jared whistled to get everyone’s attention to make an announcement. He had found a way to start the healing he needed, but he wanted to make this gesture. It was one thing for everyone to know that he loved Jensen, but he needed to make a gesture as bold as the bullying he subjected a teenaged Jensen to.

“Jensen can you come stand beside me for a moment?” Jared requested. As Jensen made his way to stand beside his boyfriend, Jared turned towards the television and turned it on.

Turning towards the small group gathered there and began to speak “Okay,” he began “Most of you know Jen and my story so I am not gonna bring the room down by rehashing it tonight, but this is a little something to show Jensen how truly sorry I am”  
“Jared?” Jensen questioned.

“Just …just look Jensen, I think this says it all” Jared answered and pressed play.

The disc began and showed Jared sitting on their bed, smiling at the camera, “Hi guys I’m Jared and it really does get better.”  
“Somewhere between the ages of twelve and thirteen, one of my best friends and I realized we were gay. Instead of comforting my friend, and the two of us banding together, I gave into peer pressure and bullied him.”

Jared could not force himself to look at Jensen while the disc was playing, but when he felt Jensen’s hand slip into his, he knew everything was going to be all right. He held onto his lovers hand as Jensen watched Jared explain how he had become a bully and how wrong it was.

Jared also explained how his friend was now the lead singer in a band and playing to large crowds around the world. “How crazy is that?” he asked the camera.

“Luckily for my friend, he had true friends who helped him through the hell that was high school and helped him heal. The damage I did has not completely disappeared and I am not sure it ever will. There are no words to explain how it kills me a little inside to know that I did this to such a beautiful person.”

Jared ended by explaining that what he did was wrong and urging teens not to give into peer pressure and to seek help from and adult.

“Remember, it does get better”

Looking at their friends, Jared noticed that both his and Jensen’s mom were crying and several of the men’s eyes were suspiciously glassy.

Breaking the tension, Chris asked, “Since this is Jen’s real present, does that mean I get to keep the Strat?”

 

End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  



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